I like that your story centers on a bear police officer because it's funny to me. His adventures should be silly and fun to follow. Your introduction gave good little details about Medved and gave me some insight into his personality. I'm assuming that's what the purpose of the interaction with Leslie was.
I wonder what it would like to add a little more description instead of narration. For example, you mention that nothing really happens in his town and that he falls asleep at his desk, but how does Medved feel about his job? What about his life generally? I'm just curious to see what you else you could show the reader about Medved's personality. Should his town have a name?
I think you did a really great job with the dialogue. It was well formatted and wasn't over the top. The conversation was also pretty typical office talk, which makes Medved, though he is a bear, more relateable to us human readers.
Hi! I love that the bear is a police officer. I don't know why, but it just feels right to me and I think it's a very fun and creative way yo design your stories. We don't find out until the end what your storybook is really going to be based off of, but I think it still works. Is it going to be a collection of events that are going to happen to the bear? Or is it going to be one event that has many small parts? It might be good to see if you could find a way to let us know. Another thing would be to include some info about the town. Is it a town on animals? What animals are his coworkers? Is it kind of like a Zootopia feel? Other than that, I think you did a very great job with your intro. I wasn't left wondering anything and I didn't notice any grammar issues. Great job!
Below are my comments about your writing style choice and the improvement I think you should make.
Like the other who have commented, I like that the bear is a police officer. Maybe he should be the chief?
Changes/Adjustments: I think the "Off" in your story describing the button shouldn't be in quotes because it's not something verbally said. I would just drop them or use a hyphen. The word "off" is just a descriptive word for the button. (Very nit-picky of me, don't sweat it) "I guess it's time for work already," mumbled the bear while rubbing his eyes. "that everything was closely spaced together. It didn't take long..." "Nah, I'm not someone who enjoys..."
Overall, there are some punctuation and grammatical issues I would look at again. I didn't really understand the point or direction of the story just yet because he is just a tired bear. I get that he is a tired bear and the rest is to unfold, but I would make this introduction more about the background of the bear and the relationship he has with the people within the small town. I had this idea when coming to the end of the intro that maybe at the end when the adventure is over, he wakes up and it's all just a dream. Maybe you tell it as if he is the Chief Officer, but wakes up and is just anther pencil pusher.
The ending seemed to come up abruptly, it alludes the audience to continue reading, but I think you should find a better hook or a way to captivate the audience a bit more. A writing critique I would recommend is Start Strong, Finish Strong.
This was such a fun read! There were a lot of things I thought you did really well. First, it may be a small thing, but you used capital letters for emphasis extremely effectively. They added personality and humor. Second, I enjoyed your subtle nods to the fact that he’s a bear (“honey-glazed donut” indeed). I also thought that you did an excellent job of making the characters personable, and making me care about them quickly. I want them to do well and be happy. Furthermore, this was just very readable, with a very appropriate use of language. Also, now I want to know what happens! It looks to be a very good story.
There are one or two places where I might make slight suggestions. First, in the first sentence you use the word “up” twice. I’m not sure that it’s necessary the second time, and it might sound a little better without. The other thing is that the last sentence feels a bit off to me. Is there a way you could phrase it slightly differently, while continuing to lead the reader in?
Hello Taylor! I enjoyed reading your storybook about Medved! It seemed to be very similar to the recent movie, Zootopia, but I haven’t been able to see that movie yet! I had many questions about the intro though.. Is the other police officer a bear or are they a different animal? Are the adventures that Medved is going to have going to be in his dreams or is something crazy going to wake him up? Are there only two workers there, since it’s such a small town, or have the others not arrived yet? Does his town have a name? I just want more details I guess, perhaps I will find the answers to these questions in the rest of the storybook! I like that you didn’t choose a common name, Medved is a creation all your own! I imagine the main character to be kind of like Sully from Monsters Inc, where he just wants to do his job and not screw things up.
This is a good introduction, it’s casual but weird. Just people going about their business, doing their jobs, and yet, they aren’t people. They’re animals. I think it sets the next stories up to be at least a bit humorous so I’m interested to see what you do with that. I think though you’ve got a bit of an inclination towards adverbs that make little bumps in the road. You want to tone down adverb use and try to switch it up a bit. Often times, adverbs can either be removed completely, or the sentence can be rephrased so you still have the description but worded differently. As an example: “He quickly ran” sounds better as “he ran as fast as he could.” I don’t want to imply all adverbs need to be taken out as they do add variety to writing when they’re used properly, but the ones you’ve used make the flow hiccup just a bit.
Hi Taylor! Your storybook is so creative and I am incredibly jealous! When I first read about an animal working as a police officer, I immediately thought of Zootopia. Have you seen that? It’s on Netflix if you haven’t, but your story is actually somewhat similar. I think your storybook is going to be awesome because you have an underlying theme. It is really creative and you can move in a lot of directions with it! I am excited to see what you choose to use as the stories from Mythology and Folklore and how you are going to apply them to Medved. Also a creative name! I have never heard it before. Is it a character you just made up or is there a reason behind it? Either way, really creative! I cannot wait to see how your entire project turns out! Good luck with the rest of this project!
Wow, I had no idea where this was going haha. I like that you chose such an obscure story to retell, so that we didn’t know what to expect. I also really enjoyed your humor. I liked the subtlety in it, and how relatable Medved’s thoughts are. I’m thinking specifically of the parts with the five second rule, justifying eating more donuts, and things along those lines.
You did a good job of intriguing me and capturing my imagination in the first bit when the reader really has no idea what’s happening, and I’m still curious as to whether or not this bear is dreaming.
There were a few small things worth mentioning. You’re missing a quotation mark in the paragraph starting with “The officer stared back”. You might want to replace the last comma in that same paragraph with either a period or a semicolon. Also, think about replacing some of the pronouns in the paragraph starting “literally, that same night” with nouns to make it easier to understand.
I want to know what happens in this story! Great job drawing a reader in.
This was a very great story. My favorite thing about this story was your amazing description. You did a wonderful job in bringing the characters and the location to life. I have never read this story, but your author's note did a good job at summarizing the original story up and I could see the difference within both stories. A few things that I would suggest are: first, there were some small grammatical error within your story that if you read slowly and out loud would recognize. Overall the flow was very good and I liked the simplicity and just the enjoyment in this story. Keep up the good work. Oh and one last thing. I think it would be so much funnier if you could find some picture of a bear in a t-shirt or in a carriage.
I really like your Introduction!! I approached it in a similar way, starting with the perspective of the main character and setting up the background of the greater Storybook as well. Bravo! I also love Medved's character. I strongly identify with his personality, but find that he's extremely relatable even if I didn't!
I also like how you adapted your story! I really enjoyed reading the Author's Note and seeing what you did to create the story. I know you have kind of crafted your own versions of these stories, so this may be challenging, but I wonder if you could find some pictures that aren't simply nature pictures of bears? Like I said, I know there may not be a picture of a bear standing in the doorframe of a house, but it's worth a shot!
I also really enjoyed your mix of prose and dialogue. One of the things I find myself struggling with is coming up with good dialogue and you do it so seamlessly here. It was really a pleasure to read, and I'm certainly interested to see if Medved is indeed dreaming.
As always, this was a fun story! I like that you keep beginning the stories with noises, to draw the reader in with sensory information. Also, I love that her name is Frosty. That’s so clever! I have a silly question. You have Frosty, who sells ice cream, arguing that it ought to be colder, and you have Gus, who sells coffee, arguing for warmth. I understand that polar bears like the cold, and it doesn’t really matter, but wouldn’t it make more sense to switch the two? It seems that a cold mall would be bad for an ice cream shop, and that a hot mall would be bad for a place that sells hot drinks. It’s just a thought. Also, I really want to know why Medved is being treated as the chief. You’ve done a good job of weaving that theme in throughout the stories, and keeping a reader guessing.
As classic as detective stories are, I tend to get a little fatigued by them these days, when it feels like every other TV series is one—so I completely love what you’re doing here. Transporting the detective tradition to Medved’s world not only freshens things up, but provides some much-needed lightness to the genre. I love the way you’ve developed Medved himself, too: all his quirks (especially his snacking habits) add up to a character that feels real and likeable.
The fairy tale you found for your first story seems tailor-made for your storybook, and your take on it was loads of fun. I especially adored Cedric, who actually made me laugh when “he’d get angry and start throwing rocks of various sizes.” His dynamic with Medved was great, and I was a little bummed when he rode off in his carriage, because I enjoyed it that much. With your second story, it was really interesting to see how you tweaked the source material to make it your own, giving nods to the original solutions but opting for a new solution that fits your version better.
I’m also a fan of the way you’ve woven the police-chief mystery throughout your storybook as a subplot, and the way it helps link all the stories together. I look forward to reading on and finding on what’s going on there—and to see more of Medved’s adventures unfold, because like I said, this is a lot of fun. Nicely done!
Hi Taylor! First of all, I loved your story. Very cute and entertaining. First thing I noticed, when you're using all capitalized letters for emphasis, I would use italics or bold, just to make it more "blog like" if that makes any sense. Other than that though, I really enjoyed your story! It was very cute. I really liked the police part throughout your storybook, it keeps the readers on their toes and have something to look forward too. Nice job!
Hey Taylor! I really enjoyed reading your story! Officer Medved seems like a really lovable dude. Almost as if Poo was the main character of the story. I can just hear him saying "Oh bother!" after each complaint. But anyway, Cedric was also a great character. The detail about how his glasses were constantly sliding down his face was a pretty good aid for giving him some personality. If only Cedric could realize that making friends is one of the most rewarding things in life in my opinion. Maybe you could feature him in another story where he puts down the controller and actually makes a friend or two?
It has been a month since I last read this! You are doing awesome! I really love the adventures you have Medved going on. The Flying Melons story was great! Your characters have really great names too. Cedric is so cute! This is kind of strange, but I like how you format the story. It is really interesting to read it line by line instead of one huge paragraph. It made it easier to read for dialogue, too! Trouble At The Mall is an awesome story. I love all of the different characters and how you describe their story. Great job! Keep up the good work!
I really enjoyed reading your storybook. I think you picked an awesome topic and I had a lot of fun reading about Medved's adventures. I thought it was hillarious how you made it a bear police academy and thought it was creative to make each character a different type of bear. I thought your introduction was very well written and helped set up the audience to get ready to learn about Medveds adventures. I think my favorite story was the first one about Prince Cedric, I just thought he was hilarious and ridiculous. Keep up the good work!
Okay, first off, I absolutely love that bears are the main characters in your story. They look so cute and cuddly but in reality of course they'll rip your face off. Anyways, it was really cleve that you named the main character Medved due to his name meaning "honey-carrier" in Russian. Little details like that make stories that much better. It was also interesting how you made Medved the bear police chief. I am just as curious as him to see if he is dreaming or if he suddenly became the chief! What kind of wonderful magic is that! How ironic that Cedric the prince bear was banished to go out and make friends but yet he just abused people, harassed them or bossed them around. Who knows, maybe Medved would have been happy to be his friend if he would have been humble or a little bit nicer. Great work here, keep it up!
Taylor, your stories were fun to read! I liked how each of them was based on some story, but had unique twists that made them yours completely. It’s funny to think that you can find a bunch of stories that involve bears and tie them all together; what a unifying theme haha! I also think that, while you used separate stories as inspirations for each individual part, you did a great job of tying all of your episodes together. I remember reading the first couple earlier in the semester, and knowing that I definitely wanted to come back and find out why on earth Medved was being called Chief. I’m glad that there was a real answer to that in the end, and also that it wasn’t a dream. Also, I appreciated the author’s notes. Man, the one that “Flying Melons” is based off of was so sad! I’m glad you made it a little less morbid. Nicely done, and good luck as you finish out your semester!
I like that your story centers on a bear police officer because it's funny to me. His adventures should be silly and fun to follow. Your introduction gave good little details about Medved and gave me some insight into his personality. I'm assuming that's what the purpose of the interaction with Leslie was.
ReplyDeleteI wonder what it would like to add a little more description instead of narration. For example, you mention that nothing really happens in his town and that he falls asleep at his desk, but how does Medved feel about his job? What about his life generally? I'm just curious to see what you else you could show the reader about Medved's personality. Should his town have a name?
I think you did a really great job with the dialogue. It was well formatted and wasn't over the top. The conversation was also pretty typical office talk, which makes Medved, though he is a bear, more relateable to us human readers.
Hi!
ReplyDeleteI love that the bear is a police officer. I don't know why, but it just feels right to me and I think it's a very fun and creative way yo design your stories. We don't find out until the end what your storybook is really going to be based off of, but I think it still works. Is it going to be a collection of events that are going to happen to the bear? Or is it going to be one event that has many small parts? It might be good to see if you could find a way to let us know. Another thing would be to include some info about the town. Is it a town on animals? What animals are his coworkers? Is it kind of like a Zootopia feel? Other than that, I think you did a very great job with your intro. I wasn't left wondering anything and I didn't notice any grammar issues. Great job!
Hello Taylor,
ReplyDeleteBelow are my comments about your writing style choice and the improvement I think you should make.
Like the other who have commented, I like that the bear is a police officer. Maybe he should be the chief?
Changes/Adjustments:
I think the "Off" in your story describing the button shouldn't be in quotes because it's not something verbally said. I would just drop them or use a hyphen. The word "off" is just a descriptive word for the button. (Very nit-picky of me, don't sweat it)
"I guess it's time for work already," mumbled the bear while rubbing his eyes.
"that everything was closely spaced together. It didn't take long..."
"Nah, I'm not someone who enjoys..."
Overall, there are some punctuation and grammatical issues I would look at again. I didn't really understand the point or direction of the story just yet because he is just a tired bear. I get that he is a tired bear and the rest is to unfold, but I would make this introduction more about the background of the bear and the relationship he has with the people within the small town. I had this idea when coming to the end of the intro that maybe at the end when the adventure is over, he wakes up and it's all just a dream. Maybe you tell it as if he is the Chief Officer, but wakes up and is just anther pencil pusher.
The ending seemed to come up abruptly, it alludes the audience to continue reading, but I think you should find a better hook or a way to captivate the audience a bit more. A writing critique I would recommend is Start Strong, Finish Strong.
Best of luck with the rest of the semesters.
This was such a fun read! There were a lot of things I thought you did really well. First, it may be a small thing, but you used capital letters for emphasis extremely effectively. They added personality and humor. Second, I enjoyed your subtle nods to the fact that he’s a bear (“honey-glazed donut” indeed). I also thought that you did an excellent job of making the characters personable, and making me care about them quickly. I want them to do well and be happy. Furthermore, this was just very readable, with a very appropriate use of language. Also, now I want to know what happens! It looks to be a very good story.
ReplyDeleteThere are one or two places where I might make slight suggestions. First, in the first sentence you use the word “up” twice. I’m not sure that it’s necessary the second time, and it might sound a little better without. The other thing is that the last sentence feels a bit off to me. Is there a way you could phrase it slightly differently, while continuing to lead the reader in?
Overall, wonderful job!
Hello Taylor!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your storybook about Medved! It seemed to be very similar to the recent movie, Zootopia, but I haven’t been able to see that movie yet! I had many questions about the intro though.. Is the other police officer a bear or are they a different animal? Are the adventures that Medved is going to have going to be in his dreams or is something crazy going to wake him up? Are there only two workers there, since it’s such a small town, or have the others not arrived yet? Does his town have a name? I just want more details I guess, perhaps I will find the answers to these questions in the rest of the storybook! I like that you didn’t choose a common name, Medved is a creation all your own! I imagine the main character to be kind of like Sully from Monsters Inc, where he just wants to do his job and not screw things up.
This is a good introduction, it’s casual but weird. Just people going about their business, doing their jobs, and yet, they aren’t people. They’re animals. I think it sets the next stories up to be at least a bit humorous so I’m interested to see what you do with that. I think though you’ve got a bit of an inclination towards adverbs that make little bumps in the road. You want to tone down adverb use and try to switch it up a bit. Often times, adverbs can either be removed completely, or the sentence can be rephrased so you still have the description but worded differently. As an example: “He quickly ran” sounds better as “he ran as fast as he could.” I don’t want to imply all adverbs need to be taken out as they do add variety to writing when they’re used properly, but the ones you’ve used make the flow hiccup just a bit.
ReplyDeleteHi Taylor!
ReplyDeleteYour storybook is so creative and I am incredibly jealous! When I first read about an animal working as a police officer, I immediately thought of Zootopia. Have you seen that? It’s on Netflix if you haven’t, but your story is actually somewhat similar. I think your storybook is going to be awesome because you have an underlying theme. It is really creative and you can move in a lot of directions with it! I am excited to see what you choose to use as the stories from Mythology and Folklore and how you are going to apply them to Medved. Also a creative name! I have never heard it before. Is it a character you just made up or is there a reason behind it? Either way, really creative! I cannot wait to see how your entire project turns out! Good luck with the rest of this project!
Wow, I had no idea where this was going haha. I like that you chose such an obscure story to retell, so that we didn’t know what to expect. I also really enjoyed your humor. I liked the subtlety in it, and how relatable Medved’s thoughts are. I’m thinking specifically of the parts with the five second rule, justifying eating more donuts, and things along those lines.
ReplyDeleteYou did a good job of intriguing me and capturing my imagination in the first bit when the reader really has no idea what’s happening, and I’m still curious as to whether or not this bear is dreaming.
There were a few small things worth mentioning. You’re missing a quotation mark in the paragraph starting with “The officer stared back”. You might want to replace the last comma in that same paragraph with either a period or a semicolon. Also, think about replacing some of the pronouns in the paragraph starting “literally, that same night” with nouns to make it easier to understand.
I want to know what happens in this story! Great job drawing a reader in.
This was a very great story. My favorite thing about this story was your amazing description. You did a wonderful job in bringing the characters and the location to life. I have never read this story, but your author's note did a good job at summarizing the original story up and I could see the difference within both stories. A few things that I would suggest are: first, there were some small grammatical error within your story that if you read slowly and out loud would recognize. Overall the flow was very good and I liked the simplicity and just the enjoyment in this story. Keep up the good work. Oh and one last thing. I think it would be so much funnier if you could find some picture of a bear in a t-shirt or in a carriage.
ReplyDeleteI really like your Introduction!! I approached it in a similar way, starting with the perspective of the main character and setting up the background of the greater Storybook as well. Bravo! I also love Medved's character. I strongly identify with his personality, but find that he's extremely relatable even if I didn't!
ReplyDeleteI also like how you adapted your story! I really enjoyed reading the Author's Note and seeing what you did to create the story. I know you have kind of crafted your own versions of these stories, so this may be challenging, but I wonder if you could find some pictures that aren't simply nature pictures of bears? Like I said, I know there may not be a picture of a bear standing in the doorframe of a house, but it's worth a shot!
I also really enjoyed your mix of prose and dialogue. One of the things I find myself struggling with is coming up with good dialogue and you do it so seamlessly here. It was really a pleasure to read, and I'm certainly interested to see if Medved is indeed dreaming.
As always, this was a fun story! I like that you keep beginning the stories with noises, to draw the reader in with sensory information. Also, I love that her name is Frosty. That’s so clever!
ReplyDeleteI have a silly question. You have Frosty, who sells ice cream, arguing that it ought to be colder, and you have Gus, who sells coffee, arguing for warmth. I understand that polar bears like the cold, and it doesn’t really matter, but wouldn’t it make more sense to switch the two? It seems that a cold mall would be bad for an ice cream shop, and that a hot mall would be bad for a place that sells hot drinks. It’s just a thought.
Also, I really want to know why Medved is being treated as the chief. You’ve done a good job of weaving that theme in throughout the stories, and keeping a reader guessing.
As classic as detective stories are, I tend to get a little fatigued by them these days, when it feels like every other TV series is one—so I completely love what you’re doing here. Transporting the detective tradition to Medved’s world not only freshens things up, but provides some much-needed lightness to the genre. I love the way you’ve developed Medved himself, too: all his quirks (especially his snacking habits) add up to a character that feels real and likeable.
ReplyDeleteThe fairy tale you found for your first story seems tailor-made for your storybook, and your take on it was loads of fun. I especially adored Cedric, who actually made me laugh when “he’d get angry and start throwing rocks of various sizes.” His dynamic with Medved was great, and I was a little bummed when he rode off in his carriage, because I enjoyed it that much. With your second story, it was really interesting to see how you tweaked the source material to make it your own, giving nods to the original solutions but opting for a new solution that fits your version better.
I’m also a fan of the way you’ve woven the police-chief mystery throughout your storybook as a subplot, and the way it helps link all the stories together. I look forward to reading on and finding on what’s going on there—and to see more of Medved’s adventures unfold, because like I said, this is a lot of fun. Nicely done!
Hi Taylor! First of all, I loved your story. Very cute and entertaining. First thing I noticed, when you're using all capitalized letters for emphasis, I would use italics or bold, just to make it more "blog like" if that makes any sense. Other than that though, I really enjoyed your story! It was very cute. I really liked the police part throughout your storybook, it keeps the readers on their toes and have something to look forward too. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteHey Taylor! I really enjoyed reading your story! Officer Medved seems like a really lovable dude. Almost as if Poo was the main character of the story. I can just hear him saying "Oh bother!" after each complaint. But anyway, Cedric was also a great character. The detail about how his glasses were constantly sliding down his face was a pretty good aid for giving him some personality. If only Cedric could realize that making friends is one of the most rewarding things in life in my opinion. Maybe you could feature him in another story where he puts down the controller and actually makes a friend or two?
ReplyDeleteHey Taylor!
ReplyDeleteIt has been a month since I last read this! You are doing awesome! I really love the adventures you have Medved going on. The Flying Melons story was great! Your characters have really great names too. Cedric is so cute! This is kind of strange, but I like how you format the story. It is really interesting to read it line by line instead of one huge paragraph. It made it easier to read for dialogue, too! Trouble At The Mall is an awesome story. I love all of the different characters and how you describe their story. Great job! Keep up the good work!
Hey Taylor!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your storybook. I think you picked an awesome topic and I had a lot of fun reading about Medved's adventures. I thought it was hillarious how you made it a bear police academy and thought it was creative to make each character a different type of bear. I thought your introduction was very well written and helped set up the audience to get ready to learn about Medveds adventures. I think my favorite story was the first one about Prince Cedric, I just thought he was hilarious and ridiculous. Keep up the good work!
Hi Taylor!
ReplyDeleteOkay, first off, I absolutely love that bears are the main characters in your story. They look so cute and cuddly but in reality of course they'll rip your face off. Anyways, it was really cleve that you named the main character Medved due to his name meaning "honey-carrier" in Russian. Little details like that make stories that much better. It was also interesting how you made Medved the bear police chief. I am just as curious as him to see if he is dreaming or if he suddenly became the chief! What kind of wonderful magic is that! How ironic that Cedric the prince bear was banished to go out and make friends but yet he just abused people, harassed them or bossed them around. Who knows, maybe Medved would have been happy to be his friend if he would have been humble or a little bit nicer. Great work here, keep it up!
Taylor, your stories were fun to read! I liked how each of them was based on some story, but had unique twists that made them yours completely. It’s funny to think that you can find a bunch of stories that involve bears and tie them all together; what a unifying theme haha! I also think that, while you used separate stories as inspirations for each individual part, you did a great job of tying all of your episodes together. I remember reading the first couple earlier in the semester, and knowing that I definitely wanted to come back and find out why on earth Medved was being called Chief. I’m glad that there was a real answer to that in the end, and also that it wasn’t a dream. Also, I appreciated the author’s notes. Man, the one that “Flying Melons” is based off of was so sad! I’m glad you made it a little less morbid. Nicely done, and good luck as you finish out your semester!
ReplyDelete